Journal

Oh, Sweet Rebellion

I’m done. D-U-N, done.

I’ve lived too much of my life in the shadows. Hiding. Scared. Afraid, even to be myself.

And I know what you’re thinking. Don’t we all do that? The short answer is, OMFG, yes.

The longer version includes the complexities of my life. One in particular. I’m a very male looking MTF transgender woman who is still, as of this writing, in the closet.

The motherfucking closet.

Most of the people I know would likely think I was joking if I told them I’m trans. I’m very good at playing the part of a guy, even though it’s not me, and even though the continued charade leaves me feeling like I’m wearing a mask lined with sandpaper.

I wanna say I can’t do it any more, but I can. I could keep pretending to be something I’m not. And my soul would continue to shrivel away, piece by precious piece.

Life is much the same for many LGBTQ folks. Pushed into a corner, scared of judgment, harm and rejection, a lot of us hide ourselves away. We live lies because we’re scared shitless the truth will leave us without friends or family, turned out and condemned.

Things that suck. But what kind of life is that?

I won’t do it.

I’m a fighter. I always have been. The scrappy chick who won’t just lay down and die, even when the world throws fuck-all at her.

That’s me.

[Insert a mildly sarcastic curtsy here.]

And here’s the thing. You don’t have to be trans to get where I’m coming from. Everyone has things they hide. That’s what this is all about.

Call me a freak. Fine. Tell me I’m weird. I am. Accuse me of breaking from the norm. I do.

I rebel.

I reject the expected models. I won’t be your cookie-cutter clone. I refuse to keep up this ridiculous act, not because I lack the ability to pull it off, but for a far simpler reason.

It. Isn’t. Me.

If that resonates with you, we’re gonna get along fine.

It’s time for a rebellion, my friends. Buckle up.

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