I got angry tonight.
Not pissy or enraged or righteously indignant. Just angry, and (I think) appropriately so.
I heard from someone for the first time in months. Someone from a trans support group. Someone who actively volunteers to play a support role for trans people who don’t have families to lean on. But after being put in contact with me, this person has barely spoken to me.
And she sent a message today because she wanted something from me. Really.
So, here’s the thing. Even when I’m upset, I try to be kind. In fact, my empathetic nature sometimes pushes me to be too fucking kind. Like, let-people-walk-on-me kind. (Which isn’t really kind. It’s actually fucked up. I’m trying to take better care of myself.)
So when I realized I was upset (because, seriously? You don’t even ask if I’m okay and instead just hit me up for something after months of silence, you who VOLUNTEERED to be supportive?!), I had a dilemma on my hands. How do I kindly tell this person that I’m not happy?
My strategy is really basic. I’m honest.
I try to say how I’m feeling frankly, but kindly. So that’s what I did. I told her I was hurt by the fact that she’d been ignoring me for months and was only contacting me now because she wanted something from me.
She said it hurt her that I was hurt.
I took some deep breathes. That’s a classic manipulative move, right there. Completely invalidate another person’s feelings—someone YOU hurt—by being hurt at their communication of pain. It’s a shitty move.
Instead, I kindly stuck to my guns, explaining that the last several months have, at times, been brutal. (The holidays, y’all. That was a tough month.)
Her response was that life is brutal for everyone.
Fucking really?! You can’t just let my pain be valid? Even THAT can’t be special?
We had a brief back-and-forth. I resisted the urge to call her out further and even (this is not good) apologized for communicating my feelings at all. Then I pretty much said, as kindly as I could, that I hold no hard feelings (that’s actually true) and I’m fine, thank you (which is also true. I don’t need that brand of “support.”)
Then, text conversation completed, I was left to wonder, again, why the trans community and its allies have been largely uninterested in being supportive of me. I’ve reached out more than a half a dozen times to multiple trans support networks. So far … I really don’t know.
I don’t.
I have no idea what’s going on in the world of trans support in Dallas, but I can tell you I’ve been shocked to discover that if you’re not suicidal (in which case I’m assured the response is immediate, sincere and appropriately protective), you get lost in the shuffle, apparently not quite fucked up enough to warrant anyone’s attention.
And that’s how it feels—like I’m forgotten.
I feel much like trans people aren’t my tribe. I want them to be. I want to belong somewhere, damn it. But I’m so sick of beating down doors begging to be let in. I don’t wanna do that any more.
One friend suggests that I volunteer, myself. That would create connection of a kind … but I really wanted to be on the receiving end of support right now. I feel like I’m always looking out for other people and rarely is anyone looking out for me. It’s shitty, the way that makes me feel—like I see the beauty in others and very, very few people see anything like that in me.
And I know some do. (Hey, my few precious readers. I love each of you and I’m not down on you one bit.) But I don’t have local people in my life, people I see regularly who can give me hugs or go to the movies with me or just hang out with me, who also give me support. I just don’t.
And that’s lonely.
GEEZ. What a downer, right? Well, on the upside, I’m sharing that I don’t like this, but I’m not wallowing in depression. It sucks, but I’m a fighter. I really will be okay.
But I’ll say this. If you know a trans person, or any person who’s struggling, give them a hug. Let them know you care. Go to dinner with them. Go see a movie. BE FUCKING PROACTIVE. Don’t sit around waiting for them to ask you (they’ll feel like they’re begging) for support or concern or love.
Give that shit freely. Trust me, it’ll mean the world to them.