Kick It Down

I just came across this article in my Facebook feed: “17 People Who Kicked Down The Closet Door This Year (So Far)”.

Mixed feelings. I have them.

First, YES, I’m thrilled for all 17 of these people, and thousands of others who no longer have to live in hiding. Any time any LGBTQ person comes out, it’s a victory for every one of us.

So my initial reaction is to want to cheer. And then this little bastard of a voice in the back of my head quietly whispers, “But not you …”

No. Not me. I’m still hiding. I still wear a mask every day. Most of the people who know me, even people who think they know me well, don’t know I’m transgender.

As I explained a couple of posts ago, coming out is out of my control. Right now, at least.

Sure, I could take a fuck-it attitude and just do it, but that would decimate my life. I’m not being melodramatic, either. I need to set myself up to come out. If I just do it, I’m screwed.

It’s a weird position to be in, happy for people who ARE moving forward and living authentically while simultaneously envying them … and mourning my own stuck condition.

Fuck, this sucks.

But also, yay for everyone who’s not here.

See? Mixed feelings.