Sneezing and Peeing

You shouldn’t sneeze and pee at the same time. If it’s even possible, that is.

I mean, assume you can’t. I don’t actually know. I haven’t Googled it because I’m not INSANE, but it makes sense.

If you were about to pee and you sneezed, I just assume everything would clench. Nothing is leaving your body except maybe snot.

And if you’re already peeing, I assume you’d either clench and the stream would abruptly stop or, worse yet, the flow would increase, but in a violent burst that I’m sure would hurt like hell, but in a really unique way. It would be a kind of pain you’d never be able to describe to anyone else. You probably shouldn’t even try.

How would that even come up?

“Bless you,” someone nearby says to someone who just sneezed.

“You know, I sneezed while peeing one time,” you volunteer. “It hurt. Really bad. Like if your urinary tract could cry acid, that’s what it felt like. Or like you were sneezing FROM YOUR PEE HOLE. But not a good sneeze. Not a satisfying one. The kind where you wonder how many brain cells you just killed. The kind where you think an eye almost just popped out. The kind that gives you a slight panic attack because sneezes are involuntary and that shit could happen again at any time, and it fucking HURT. That kind. But from your junk.”

And the other two people, the sneezer and the blesser, just look at you weird.

“What?” you ask.

But they just stare because this is Target and they’re waiting for you to put the 13 scented candles you didn’t go in for but HAD to have on the little checkout conveyer belt. And the cashier is looking at you like he’s ready for you to either pull a gun or try to pay for your candles with Monopoly money. And that’s when you see Altoids and wonder if maybe you have bad breath, so you grab a tin (or two—they’re practically candy), but it’s too late. Mints won’t save you.

Nothing can.

And that’s why you shouldn’t sneeze while you pee, even if it’s possible.