I’ve admitted before that I talk to myself. I really do. Out loud. On and off all day.
And most of those conversation are either me ranting about something I’m upset about (not helpful) or rehearsing how I’ll deal with something bad happening (also not helpful) or going off on someone who’s not actually there because I didn’t (or can’t) go off on them in person (really not helpful).
But I’m trying to turn things around. Not by avoiding talking to myself, but by embracing it and making the conversations good.
Like tonight.
I’m meeting a friend for dinner in an hour. I got this bold inclination earlier this afternoon to wear makeup and a wig. But as the day passed, I got more and more nervous about doing something so … OUT. I started to panic.
And then I panicked about panicking.
Without realizing I was doing it, I was telling myself what a chicken-shit coward I am. How can I be on hormones already, within a couple of months of having to wear a bra because BOOBS, and still be scared to wear makeup?! Why can’t I just enjoy things and not care what people think?
I was tearing myself apart. Tearing myself down. It was brutal.
And then I reached out to bestie, who assured me it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m scared and okay if I don’t rise to every fucking challenge. It’s okay if I take the safe way tonight.
But I still didn’t feel better. Until, that is, I talked to myself again. This time, I was much kinder.
“It’s okay,” I said out loud to myself. “It’s really okay. I’m proud of you. You’ve done a lot of things that scare you. You’re doing a lot of things that scare you. And you’ve come a long way.
“There will be other dinners, other nights, other chances to practice makeup and be bold. If you’re too scared to do it tonight, it’s really okay.
“I’m still proud of you.”
That was when I felt the weight (some of it, anyway) lift. I could breathe again. The panic subsided.
I have an hour to finish getting ready. I might sneak in some eye makeup. I dunno yet. But whether I do or not, I’m proud of me. I’m not a coward. I’m brave. And I’m proud of what I’ve done so far.