This is a weird post. WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
What follows is a conversation I’ve had in bits and pieces over the last couple of years. Some of it with other people. Some of it with myself. A lot of it with both.
During the last few days it’s been sinking in. All my reasons for waiting, for hiding, for running – every excuse I can come up with is bullshit.
Pure, smelly, still-warm bullshit.
Time to get real. These, dear friends, are the voices in my head.
Ashley talks to herself:
| I can’t be trans. |
| Why not? |
| It’s not what I’m supposed to be. |
| Says who? |
| It’s just how I was raised. |
| So … your family? |
| Yeah, I guess. |
| Lemme get this straight. You don’t even talk to your family. They’re horrible to you. They always have been. And you can’t be YOU because of them?! |
| Fair point. But I still can’t be trans. |
| Why? |
| Look at me. |
| I see you. |
| I look like a guy. |
| And … ? |
| My shoulders are broad. I’m too tall. I’m already losing my hair. I mean, seriously. I don’t look like a girl. |
| Have you seen women? They come in all shapes and sizes. |
| Yeah, but this is a really male shape and size. |
| No offense, but that’s pretty stupid. |
| No it’s not! It’s scary. I don’t wanna be an ugly woman! |
| News flash. No woman wants that, and we’re all afraid of it. Welcome to the club, chica. What else you got? |
| I’m losing my hair. |
| Wigs. Or not. Who cares? Next. |
| Money. Transitioning is expensive. Just getting the hair zapped off my face is thousands. |
| So are cars. You managed to get one of those. Save. Make smart financial choices. Work hard. You’re smart. I doubt that’ll hold you back if you don’t let it. Gimme another. |
| I’ll be a freak. |
| You ARE a freak. |
| People will know. They’ll … laugh at me. They’ll hate me … |
| Who will? |
| People. |
| All people? |
| No. But a lot of ’em. Some of ’em, at least. |
| So, does everyone you know love everything about you now? |
| *laughs* No. |
| You look “normal-ish,” though. |
| People are rotten. |
| That they are. But there are people who don’t like you right now. Even trying to fit in, you’re not pulling it off 100% of the time. |
| Yeah, but people will judge me. |
| No one judges you now? |
| Different people, I guess. For different things. |
| Ah. So, you’ll trade out. Why is that bad? |
| I don’t want to be judged or hated. |
| But you already are. And if you’re authentic, the people who stand by you will stand by the REAL you. Isn’t that better? |
| Yeah. But it’s still scary. |
| Life is scary. |
| It’s just a lot. It’s a weird issue. It’s a lot to try to sort through. |
| Maybe. But everyone has weird shit. And we’ve talked about all the parts. Is there more? |
| Yes. |
| What? |
| The risks. Like if I have anything medical done. It could be harder to find a job. It’ll definitely affect my love life. My whole life. It’s like shifting my entire world. |
| It is. From a lie to the truth. From a mask to the real you. From a reality you clearly don’t like to another. Will that other reality be perfect? Of course not. But come on. Nothing’s perfect. You’re a big girl. You know that. If you’re waiting for perfection, you’re going to be waiting a while. |
| You’re right. |
| Of course I am. I’m smart. |
| Yeah. A smart ass. |
| Better than being a dumb ass. |
| True. Okay. So what now? |
| Start taking steps. Baby steps. Tell people. Take chances. Brace for loss. And for gains. Some people will hate you. Some will love you. And you’ll be fine. |
| You really think so? |
| I do. |
| We’re in this together, kid. |
| Yup. And it’s gonna be great. |