The last 3 months have been a little nuts. Sometimes good nuts. Sometimes bad nuts.
Coming out has been mostly positive, at least in the places where it matters the most. My friends have been fucking awesome. People I haven’t talked to in years came out of the woodworks to voice support. That was kinda cool. And not one person has cornered me and called me a freak.
It’ll happen, but it hasn’t happened YET, and since those first few wobbly steps are the hardest, I’m glad.
Yeah, sometimes people stare. I’ve literally seen people nudge the person they’re with and point. That sucks. And there was one whole group of people I expected support from who let me down in EPIC ways. That was really shitty.
But mostly, I’ve seen more good in people than bad. I’m still kinda surprised by how often people smile at me, pay me little compliments about something feminine, and even make obvious efforts to be sure to call me “Miss” or she/her. Sure, some of that’s superficial, but it feels good, and I think it shows people are genuinely trying.
So, feeling all warm and fuzzy from mostly good experiences, I’m taking another step. After I publish this very post, I plan to share this blog on Facebook.
Since the beginning, this blog has been a secret. When I tell people about it, I always call it “my secret blog.” I was still married when I started it, and I wanted a place where I could be myself without my ex knowing about it. This was a kind of sacred space.
I know. I’m going all deep. But it’s true.
Here, I could swear as much as I want for no reason at all or talk about being trans or share that I was feeling defeated or revel in a minor victory. Here, I could abandon the … [insert throat clearing] … “professional tone” even my most casual writing still tends to lean on. Here, I could be goofy. Unreserved. Honest.
And since no one knew about it, it didn’t matter.
Then I started telling people. Just a few people. People I trust, like bestie. And then my initial support group. And then a few close friends. At this point, we’re well into the double digits.
People, man. People know.
I’m a realist, though. I know good and well most of the people who know about this blog don’t read it. I’m not doing any fancy SEO, either, so I’m not really giving “the masses” any reason (or way) to find me.
At first, that was by design. Now, I’d kinda like it if I had followers, but building that up takes … WORK … and I despise work. It’s so pedestrian.
But the truth is, my core audience here is the same as it’s always been. Me. I write this blog for me. So if anyone reads it (including ALL you new people who are UNDOUBTEDLY devouring every single word right now with the eager hunger of a basic middle-aged white chick on a frappuccino-fueled Forever 21 bender) and doesn’t like what I have to say … or that I use words like “gonna” and “kinda” … or that FUCK is clearly one of my favorite words of all time … or that I like ellipses almost as much as I like run-on sentences … well, I don’t much care.
I’m not writing this for you, bitch. Step off.
That said, my dear, new readers, you are most welcome. No, I won’t cater to your whims, but you’re welcome to read my thoughts. I’m not trying to document everything about the trans experience, but I am trying to share some of the ups and downs I experience, personally.
Look, sometimes it sucks being trans. Sometimes it’s great fun. Which, yeah, makes it like a lot of other things in life.
AS I WAS SAYING, you’re most welcome here. Comment if you want. Disagree, even. Just do so somewhat politely. Engage. Read. Share. Or, if you don’t feel like any of this shit speaks to you at all, move on. It won’t hurt my feelings.
If I can shop at Walmart painfully aware that my super nooby trans ass might end up on some “People of Walmart” shit site and still hold my head high, I can deal with you not liking my blog.
🙂